And so it Continues

    Four weeks ago, I had my most recent neurologist appointment.  He looked at the recordings we had taken and agreed that it does look like I'm having seizures.  With that, the doctor said he would set up an ambulatory EEG with Salem Hospital.  So, more waiting...story of my life right now.

In the meantime, the last week has been great!  I've gone out of town for a few days, witnessed students hearts and minds being healed and challenged, started getting back into my exercise routine, haven't had any seizures and, best of all, gotten my relationship with God back on track.

    But after 8 days of no seizures, I had another one today.  My dad said this one wasn't any different except that I seem to be coming out of the after-fog faster.  Now that I've had these episodes so many times, I have recognized some patterns.

Before (I call this the "build up"):
    First of all, when I'm tired or if I have a ton of caffeine, I'm more likely to have one.  Then when I'm about to have one, my heart pounds, my eyes skip (think YouTube buffering in very short blips or a scratched DVD), lines or blobs of bright lights appear in my eyes (sometimes dependent on my other senses), lights around me are too bright or look funny, my limbs and jaw start clenching and I have to concentrate on relaxing them, nature suddenly calls, my face and/or tongue goes numb, my scalp tingles, and I usually feel pretty euphoric (I imagine it's like being high).  Sometimes I also feel like bugs are crawling on me or I think that I see them out of the corners of my eyes.  The build up can last anywhere from an hour to a few days.  It can come and go several times before I actually have one.

During:
    While it's happening, I seem to be able to hear my surroundings, my eyes close and my body vibrates and/or stiffens/contracts.  My family says I moan a little and have a hard time breathing.

After (I call this the "after fog"):
    When I come out of it, I am tired, hungry (craving pears and eggs for some reason), unable to talk, confused and sore.  It can take a while for the after fog to wear off but now that I know what to expect, it seems like I come out of the fog a little quicker.  Right when I come out of it, I usually feel apathetic....which is very rare for me.

    So this time was about "normal."  The after emotions were different though.  As I write this on the heels of choosing to say, "Great are You, Lord," despite the circumstances, I struggle to reconcile the confusion and frustration with that attitude.  Today's episode happened at staff meeting (which I was super excited to go to since I haven't been able to attend for a while) and, while it's a safe place to have one, I felt embarrassed (not that I was having one, but that it was disruptive), frustrated (that I was having one there, that I'm having them at all, that I'm so frustrated over something I can't control) and confused.

    I'm confused as to why I'm not better yet, why God's allowing me to go through this at all, why the process of getting diagnosed is taking so long.  Reflecting on this today, I think the confusion comes from my assumption that God's provision equals an immediate response....which I didn't realize was an assumption I had until today.  Although I'm not totally sure how to remedy this, I think the answer lies, in part, in waiting...one of my least favorite things ever.  So I guess my focus for now is practicing patience and not overdoing complicated things like exercise and staying awake.

    As I was writing this, my neurologist's office called and said they finally got the order for an ambulatory EEG and sent it off to the sleep center office who said they'll call in the next couple days to schedule an appointment!  So....still more waiting but waiting with forward motion.

    I really appreciate all of the prayers and support!  Thank you, all. =)

Great

I never expected these struggles.  I never thought I would deal with them this way if they ever, God forbid, should come.  In my very black and white mind, I assumed I would, of course, handle any tough situations with grace and poise.  Ha!  It's been a good weekend...in a rough couple of months. Many of you reading this already know about my odd and long list of symptoms, including seizures. I didn't realize how angry I'd been at God until this weekend.

The high school and middle school youth ministries at my church go to Generation Unleashed every year.  GU is a youth conference held in Portland, Oregon; we've been going since I was in high school.  I used to go for myself and since it so radically impacted my life, now I go for students.  But that doesn't mean God hasn't shown up and changed my life all over again every year.

I haven't been having quiet/devotional times the last couple months; in fact, I've all but shunned God entirely.  Prayer times are awkward and I don't really know what to pray for.  I'm hurt, confused and a little depressed.

Yesterday during worship though, God got a hold of my heart again.  I realized I had been letting the unknown control my relationship with Him instead of allowing my relationship with Him to control the unknown.  I realized I'd been going about this backwards.  I realized that, no matter my circumstances, the attitude of my heart needs to still be able to say, "Great are You, Lord."  Until all that I am is a pile of bones or a bag of ash, my heart will cry, my bones will sing that phrase.  Not because He's some higher, egotistical being, but because He is great.  He is worthy.  He is.

In wondering why these health problems have been happening (and why they have yet to be remedied), a thought entered my mind.

    Could it be that God isn't as concerned with my physical healing as He is with the state of my heart, of my spirit?

Huh. Maybe.

    Could it be that this time in my life isn't due to an angry, uncompassionate or negligent God, but is instead a circumstance through which He is choosing to strengthen me?

I mean, I guess.

    Could it be that, by choosing to let my circumstances guide my heart instead of Jesus, I began to worship those circumstances over my God?  

There it is.  Gross.  Why am I over here pouting in the corner instead of reaching out for the One who can not only heal my body, but my heart as well?  After all, circumstance didn't give me life, Jesus did.  How then, can I choose not to praise Him who puts the very breath into my lungs?!

One of my students prayed for healing over me last night.  I didn't feel any different but I haven't had an episode for 4 days now, which seems to be a good sign.  Even if I do have another episode, even if this never goes away, never gets solved and limits some of my physical life, I will choose to say, "Great are You, Lord."  And I will continue to shout His praise.

As I'm coming down from the spiritual high I usually get at GU, I am very clearly aware that this is a process.  Probably painful...my favorite.  Definitely worth it.

<3

Opinions, opinions...

Today, as I was reading in 1 Samuel, I stopped in chapter 14, verse 7 as I read this:

"'Do all that you have in mind,' his armor-bearer said, 'Go ahead; I am with you heart and soul.'"

The armor-bearer is responding to Jonathan, King Saul's son, after he said something to the effect of, "Come on, God's with us!  Let's you an I go get those bastards [read "Philistines"]!" (Paraphrased, in case you were wondering.)  I noticed that Jonathan didn't exactly ask his armor-bearer for a reply.  Also, the armor-bearer didn't have a lukewarm attitude about the proposal; his answer is one filled with passion and loyalty.

Now, I have some pretty strong opinions (shocking, I know) and I tend to see things as very "black and white."  "My way or the highway" used to be one of my favorite sayings and it took me a long time to realize I could like and even be friends with people who don't agree with every single thing I think.

Not only do I have strong opinions, but I share them freely (who wouldn't want to know what I'm thinking!). One of the things I hear God challenging me to do here is to wait for that opinion to be asked in some cases. No, not everyone wants to hear all of my opinions all the time (another shocker!).  I hear Him asking me to be willing to be sensitive to his Spirit and ask for discernment concerning what He wants me to share, who He wants me to share it with and when to do it.

Sometimes, He's gonna tell me to speak what's on my heart, other times, He's going to ask me to keep my mouth shut for the moment; not all my ideas/views/opinions are the right way to do things because they're just that - mine, not His; opinions, not truths (there, I said it!)  Sometimes, I'm going to need to just nod and say, "I know my role is to support you in this, so let's go for it! Animo!!! I'm with you all the way, no matter what!," despite my opinion.

Obviously, there will be many times in my life where I share my strong opinions because that's part of who I am, but God is calling me to be sensitive to the voice of His Spirit and to learn to discern when to speak my mind and when I need to listen and obey.