Superbowl 50 and The Crying Tebow

    Well, yesterday was an interesting day (and I'm not just talking about the superbowl).  So my last episode was on Wednesday last week and, although I haven't had another one, I've been battling this weird migraine on and off for 4 days.  I seem to be getting them after episodes, especially after what I call "stand alone" episodes (an episode with non-episode days on either side of it).  It's usually on the right side of my head and is very pressure sensitive, makes my eyes really sensitive to light, etc.  It's pretty much always lurking in the days following a stand alone episode but if I laugh or bend over, the pain intensifies significantly.

    So after dealing with this migraine for four days, I finally felt well enough to go for a walk; just around the block, something light and easy.  I couldn't make it even a quarter of the way.  I didn't even realize what was happening; all of the sudden I was on the ground, in pain and in this awkward kneeling position.  I couldn't put any weight on my ankle so I just stayed there for a couple minutes crying, trying not to puke (it hurt so bad and pain of any kind hurts my feelings....I know it's ridiculous) and trying to figure out what had happened.  Apparently, I had walked off of the road, twisted my left ankle, tore open my right knee and landed looking like I was taking a knee...I call this move "The Crying Tebow" and it will soon be all the rave.  :)

    After taking a second to realize that I was not going to puke, that no, I was not dying and no, someone did not push me, I braved the pain of standing, called Netti (one of my sisters) and told her what had happened...she laughed, apologized, laughed some more and sent Jay (my brother) and Halee (my sister-in-law) to come get me.  They pulled up in Netti's car about a minute later, I limped over to it and got in and they drove me the 20 seconds home.  At home, Netti took care of my knee (because I'm a baby and a horrible patient when in pain) and got ice for my ankle, which had already swollen enough to make my shoe feel tight.  As the evening wore on, I realized that, in addition to my ankle and knee, I must have pulled some muscle in the fall because, man am I sore!  So the evening was spent watching the Broncos dominate the Panthers in superbowl 50 with nachos, ice, Advil and muscle rub, card games and bananagrams on the side.  I still feel a little loopy but the weird level is low enough to push through which is good because I'm turning in my nursing application today!!!

The long awaited EEG

    So far so good!  I'm feeling quite a bit better since the last episode although my nerves seem to have been on the fritz the past couple of days.  After waiting for the sleep clinic to contact me and hearing nothing, I finally started calling them...every hour.  I started leaving them messages about every 60 minutes until I finally got through to someone!  She looked up my referral and got me all scheduled for the ambulatory EEG my neurologist ordered about 5 weeks ago!  Yay!  Some less than great news is that it isn't until March 3rd, but at least it's happening.

    From the little I know about ambulatory EEGs, it sounds like I'll go in on the 3rd, get all hooked up and then go home.  I'll continue to go back in at the same time each day for two to four days.  Hopefully I have a big seizure during that time so the EEG can record the electricity in my brain and the doctors can tell me what the heck is going on.

    Thank you for all of the prayers and well wishes!  I have an amazing community around me physically, spiritually and emotionally and I greatly value that! =)

<3

And so it Continues

    Four weeks ago, I had my most recent neurologist appointment.  He looked at the recordings we had taken and agreed that it does look like I'm having seizures.  With that, the doctor said he would set up an ambulatory EEG with Salem Hospital.  So, more waiting...story of my life right now.

In the meantime, the last week has been great!  I've gone out of town for a few days, witnessed students hearts and minds being healed and challenged, started getting back into my exercise routine, haven't had any seizures and, best of all, gotten my relationship with God back on track.

    But after 8 days of no seizures, I had another one today.  My dad said this one wasn't any different except that I seem to be coming out of the after-fog faster.  Now that I've had these episodes so many times, I have recognized some patterns.

Before (I call this the "build up"):
    First of all, when I'm tired or if I have a ton of caffeine, I'm more likely to have one.  Then when I'm about to have one, my heart pounds, my eyes skip (think YouTube buffering in very short blips or a scratched DVD), lines or blobs of bright lights appear in my eyes (sometimes dependent on my other senses), lights around me are too bright or look funny, my limbs and jaw start clenching and I have to concentrate on relaxing them, nature suddenly calls, my face and/or tongue goes numb, my scalp tingles, and I usually feel pretty euphoric (I imagine it's like being high).  Sometimes I also feel like bugs are crawling on me or I think that I see them out of the corners of my eyes.  The build up can last anywhere from an hour to a few days.  It can come and go several times before I actually have one.

During:
    While it's happening, I seem to be able to hear my surroundings, my eyes close and my body vibrates and/or stiffens/contracts.  My family says I moan a little and have a hard time breathing.

After (I call this the "after fog"):
    When I come out of it, I am tired, hungry (craving pears and eggs for some reason), unable to talk, confused and sore.  It can take a while for the after fog to wear off but now that I know what to expect, it seems like I come out of the fog a little quicker.  Right when I come out of it, I usually feel apathetic....which is very rare for me.

    So this time was about "normal."  The after emotions were different though.  As I write this on the heels of choosing to say, "Great are You, Lord," despite the circumstances, I struggle to reconcile the confusion and frustration with that attitude.  Today's episode happened at staff meeting (which I was super excited to go to since I haven't been able to attend for a while) and, while it's a safe place to have one, I felt embarrassed (not that I was having one, but that it was disruptive), frustrated (that I was having one there, that I'm having them at all, that I'm so frustrated over something I can't control) and confused.

    I'm confused as to why I'm not better yet, why God's allowing me to go through this at all, why the process of getting diagnosed is taking so long.  Reflecting on this today, I think the confusion comes from my assumption that God's provision equals an immediate response....which I didn't realize was an assumption I had until today.  Although I'm not totally sure how to remedy this, I think the answer lies, in part, in waiting...one of my least favorite things ever.  So I guess my focus for now is practicing patience and not overdoing complicated things like exercise and staying awake.

    As I was writing this, my neurologist's office called and said they finally got the order for an ambulatory EEG and sent it off to the sleep center office who said they'll call in the next couple days to schedule an appointment!  So....still more waiting but waiting with forward motion.

    I really appreciate all of the prayers and support!  Thank you, all. =)

Great

I never expected these struggles.  I never thought I would deal with them this way if they ever, God forbid, should come.  In my very black and white mind, I assumed I would, of course, handle any tough situations with grace and poise.  Ha!  It's been a good weekend...in a rough couple of months. Many of you reading this already know about my odd and long list of symptoms, including seizures. I didn't realize how angry I'd been at God until this weekend.

The high school and middle school youth ministries at my church go to Generation Unleashed every year.  GU is a youth conference held in Portland, Oregon; we've been going since I was in high school.  I used to go for myself and since it so radically impacted my life, now I go for students.  But that doesn't mean God hasn't shown up and changed my life all over again every year.

I haven't been having quiet/devotional times the last couple months; in fact, I've all but shunned God entirely.  Prayer times are awkward and I don't really know what to pray for.  I'm hurt, confused and a little depressed.

Yesterday during worship though, God got a hold of my heart again.  I realized I had been letting the unknown control my relationship with Him instead of allowing my relationship with Him to control the unknown.  I realized I'd been going about this backwards.  I realized that, no matter my circumstances, the attitude of my heart needs to still be able to say, "Great are You, Lord."  Until all that I am is a pile of bones or a bag of ash, my heart will cry, my bones will sing that phrase.  Not because He's some higher, egotistical being, but because He is great.  He is worthy.  He is.

In wondering why these health problems have been happening (and why they have yet to be remedied), a thought entered my mind.

    Could it be that God isn't as concerned with my physical healing as He is with the state of my heart, of my spirit?

Huh. Maybe.

    Could it be that this time in my life isn't due to an angry, uncompassionate or negligent God, but is instead a circumstance through which He is choosing to strengthen me?

I mean, I guess.

    Could it be that, by choosing to let my circumstances guide my heart instead of Jesus, I began to worship those circumstances over my God?  

There it is.  Gross.  Why am I over here pouting in the corner instead of reaching out for the One who can not only heal my body, but my heart as well?  After all, circumstance didn't give me life, Jesus did.  How then, can I choose not to praise Him who puts the very breath into my lungs?!

One of my students prayed for healing over me last night.  I didn't feel any different but I haven't had an episode for 4 days now, which seems to be a good sign.  Even if I do have another episode, even if this never goes away, never gets solved and limits some of my physical life, I will choose to say, "Great are You, Lord."  And I will continue to shout His praise.

As I'm coming down from the spiritual high I usually get at GU, I am very clearly aware that this is a process.  Probably painful...my favorite.  Definitely worth it.

<3

Opinions, opinions...

Today, as I was reading in 1 Samuel, I stopped in chapter 14, verse 7 as I read this:

"'Do all that you have in mind,' his armor-bearer said, 'Go ahead; I am with you heart and soul.'"

The armor-bearer is responding to Jonathan, King Saul's son, after he said something to the effect of, "Come on, God's with us!  Let's you an I go get those bastards [read "Philistines"]!" (Paraphrased, in case you were wondering.)  I noticed that Jonathan didn't exactly ask his armor-bearer for a reply.  Also, the armor-bearer didn't have a lukewarm attitude about the proposal; his answer is one filled with passion and loyalty.

Now, I have some pretty strong opinions (shocking, I know) and I tend to see things as very "black and white."  "My way or the highway" used to be one of my favorite sayings and it took me a long time to realize I could like and even be friends with people who don't agree with every single thing I think.

Not only do I have strong opinions, but I share them freely (who wouldn't want to know what I'm thinking!). One of the things I hear God challenging me to do here is to wait for that opinion to be asked in some cases. No, not everyone wants to hear all of my opinions all the time (another shocker!).  I hear Him asking me to be willing to be sensitive to his Spirit and ask for discernment concerning what He wants me to share, who He wants me to share it with and when to do it.

Sometimes, He's gonna tell me to speak what's on my heart, other times, He's going to ask me to keep my mouth shut for the moment; not all my ideas/views/opinions are the right way to do things because they're just that - mine, not His; opinions, not truths (there, I said it!)  Sometimes, I'm going to need to just nod and say, "I know my role is to support you in this, so let's go for it! Animo!!! I'm with you all the way, no matter what!," despite my opinion.

Obviously, there will be many times in my life where I share my strong opinions because that's part of who I am, but God is calling me to be sensitive to the voice of His Spirit and to learn to discern when to speak my mind and when I need to listen and obey.

The Baggage

I was reading in first Samuel chapter 10 today; it's about when Saul is first becoming king of Israel and verses 20-22 go like this:

"When Samuel brought all the tribes of Israel near, the tribe of Benjamin was chosen.  Then he brought forward the tribe of Benjamin, clan by clan, and Matri's clan was chosen.  Finally Saul son of Kish was chosen.  But when they looked for him, he was nowhere to be found.  So they inquired further of the LORD, 'Has the man come here yet?'  And the LORD said, 'Yes, he has hidden himself among the baggage.'"

Samuel had met with Saul before hand and told him of all these signs to prove he really had been chosen as king.  All the signs came true.  Yet when it came time to present the people with their future king, he was nowhere to be found!  In fact, he was hiding.

Now, maybe he was hiding so he could process recent events, maybe he was an introvert and needed some alone time or maybe he was just plain scared...who knows?!  One thing is for certain, he felt more comfortable with his baggage (and likely a few stinky camels) than with the calling God placed on his life.

I totally get that!  When I'm tired, stressed, scared or unsure, I put on those old insecurities all over again; even though God has taken all my insecurities, shame, guilt and fear.  Hiding is easy; the challenge then, is to stop hanging out with the camels and start living up to what/who God has called me to be!

We don't do that here!

    So, I was going to post some stuff over the long weekend, but I didn't end up getting a chance to and I've now forgotten what I was going to post about....all with good reason, of course.

   The Friday before Memorial day, the bank branch I work at got robbed.  At gunpoint.  So, needless to say, I spent my weekend doing lots of processing.  It wasn't me that got robbed, thank God.  I did freak out when the security call came in; I had no idea we'd been robbed!  The robber was only in the branch for 45 to 60 seconds total.  The teller (or service specialist, as we're now called) that was robbed did exactly what she was supposed to do; give him whatever he asks for, only what he asks for and get him out of the branch with as little incident as possible.   She had just cashed a pretty large check for the customer before the robber, so had very little cash.  Definitely not enough to make it worth risking the consequences for armed robbery!

    We ended up staying closed for the rest of that day.  I left for a little while to go see my parents before we closed.  I was still in shock, but it was good to see them, to know there's an anchor of sorts.  No one was injured, thank God again!  However, it was at gunpoint and it was almost everyone's first robbery ever.  I've worked for the bank and at this specific branch for three years and we'd never been robbed.  Another employee has been there for five and it was her first as well.  We used to joke about how we used to be the branch to rob "back in the day" but the robbers must have forgotten where we were since we'd only ever heard of robberies, not been involved in them.  Those jokes aren't funny anymore.  Funny, how quickly your perspective can change.  When the teller told me, "Close your window, I've just been robbed," I laughed.  Mostly out of shock, I think; What?! No way! That doesn't happen here.


    After the decision was made to stay closed, we went out for drinks at the Half Penny.  I'd never been in a bar at 2:30 in the afternoon before; it's so depressing.  But that was how they wanted to process, so that's what we did.  Afterwards, a few of us went to the Silver Spur to go dancing.  I love, love, love dancing!  I ended up crashing at a co-worker's house (not because I was drunk, mind you) to be closer to everyone in case something happened that night (like someone broke down and needed more processing time or something).  Nothing happened, but better safe than sorry.

    Saturday, I did the bread run for church....lots of driving and alone time as I drove back and forth across town gave me the opportunity to process alone and just be quiet with my thoughts.  Sunday I experienced a more community aspect of processing as my church family processed with me.  It's amazing how far apart the secular and church processing mechanisms are!  I hadn't really realized it before.  Secular: let's go have some drinks to take the edge off.  Church: let's pray for/with you, thank God you're alright!

    Monday, we had the day off because of Memorial Day and some college age people from church went to the beach for our friend Leia's birthday.  We spent hours and hours there and it was actually nice out!  That evening, as I looked around the blazing (and I mean blazing) hot campfire, I thought about what an awesome group of people I have around me.  And what a great support system I have; family, friends, co-workers.  Nearly all of them are supportive and healthy people, willing to help me process whatever happens!  I was moved to tears (the smoke was conveniently blowing in my eyes) at the thought of how much I love all of these people, of how much they mean to me.  I was blown away at the fact that God cares enough about me to surround me with people I can lean on and walk beside in times of trouble; people who accept me for who I am, where I'm at and encourage me to grow more and more into the woman God wants me to be.

   In conclusion, I am blessed.  So extremely blessed!