Four weeks ago, I had my most recent neurologist appointment. He looked at the recordings we had taken and agreed that it does look like I'm having seizures. With that, the doctor said he would set up an ambulatory EEG with Salem Hospital. So, more waiting...story of my life right now.
In the meantime, the last week has been great! I've gone out of town for a few days, witnessed students hearts and minds being healed and challenged, started getting back into my exercise routine, haven't had any seizures and, best of all, gotten my relationship with God back on track.
In the meantime, the last week has been great! I've gone out of town for a few days, witnessed students hearts and minds being healed and challenged, started getting back into my exercise routine, haven't had any seizures and, best of all, gotten my relationship with God back on track.
But after 8 days of no seizures, I had another one today. My dad said this one wasn't any different except that I seem to be coming out of the after-fog faster. Now that I've had these episodes so many times, I have recognized some patterns.
Before (I call this the "build up"):
First of all, when I'm tired or if I have a ton of caffeine, I'm more likely to have one. Then when I'm about to have one, my heart pounds, my eyes skip (think YouTube buffering in very short blips or a scratched DVD), lines or blobs of bright lights appear in my eyes (sometimes dependent on my other senses), lights around me are too bright or look funny, my limbs and jaw start clenching and I have to concentrate on relaxing them, nature suddenly calls, my face and/or tongue goes numb, my scalp tingles, and I usually feel pretty euphoric (I imagine it's like being high). Sometimes I also feel like bugs are crawling on me or I think that I see them out of the corners of my eyes. The build up can last anywhere from an hour to a few days. It can come and go several times before I actually have one.
During:
While it's happening, I seem to be able to hear my surroundings, my eyes close and my body vibrates and/or stiffens/contracts. My family says I moan a little and have a hard time breathing.
After (I call this the "after fog"):
When I come out of it, I am tired, hungry (craving pears and eggs for some reason), unable to talk, confused and sore. It can take a while for the after fog to wear off but now that I know what to expect, it seems like I come out of the fog a little quicker. Right when I come out of it, I usually feel apathetic....which is very rare for me.
So this time was about "normal." The after emotions were different though. As I write this on the heels of choosing to say, "Great are You, Lord," despite the circumstances, I struggle to reconcile the confusion and frustration with that attitude. Today's episode happened at staff meeting (which I was super excited to go to since I haven't been able to attend for a while) and, while it's a safe place to have one, I felt embarrassed (not that I was having one, but that it was disruptive), frustrated (that I was having one there, that I'm having them at all, that I'm so frustrated over something I can't control) and confused.
Before (I call this the "build up"):
First of all, when I'm tired or if I have a ton of caffeine, I'm more likely to have one. Then when I'm about to have one, my heart pounds, my eyes skip (think YouTube buffering in very short blips or a scratched DVD), lines or blobs of bright lights appear in my eyes (sometimes dependent on my other senses), lights around me are too bright or look funny, my limbs and jaw start clenching and I have to concentrate on relaxing them, nature suddenly calls, my face and/or tongue goes numb, my scalp tingles, and I usually feel pretty euphoric (I imagine it's like being high). Sometimes I also feel like bugs are crawling on me or I think that I see them out of the corners of my eyes. The build up can last anywhere from an hour to a few days. It can come and go several times before I actually have one.
During:
While it's happening, I seem to be able to hear my surroundings, my eyes close and my body vibrates and/or stiffens/contracts. My family says I moan a little and have a hard time breathing.
After (I call this the "after fog"):
When I come out of it, I am tired, hungry (craving pears and eggs for some reason), unable to talk, confused and sore. It can take a while for the after fog to wear off but now that I know what to expect, it seems like I come out of the fog a little quicker. Right when I come out of it, I usually feel apathetic....which is very rare for me.
So this time was about "normal." The after emotions were different though. As I write this on the heels of choosing to say, "Great are You, Lord," despite the circumstances, I struggle to reconcile the confusion and frustration with that attitude. Today's episode happened at staff meeting (which I was super excited to go to since I haven't been able to attend for a while) and, while it's a safe place to have one, I felt embarrassed (not that I was having one, but that it was disruptive), frustrated (that I was having one there, that I'm having them at all, that I'm so frustrated over something I can't control) and confused.
I'm confused as to why I'm not better yet, why God's allowing me to go through this at all, why the process of getting diagnosed is taking so long. Reflecting on this today, I think the confusion comes from my assumption that God's provision equals an immediate response....which I didn't realize was an assumption I had until today. Although I'm not totally sure how to remedy this, I think the answer lies, in part, in waiting...one of my least favorite things ever. So I guess my focus for now is practicing patience and not overdoing complicated things like exercise and staying awake.
As I was writing this, my neurologist's office called and said they finally got the order for an ambulatory EEG and sent it off to the sleep center office who said they'll call in the next couple days to schedule an appointment! So....still more waiting but waiting with forward motion.
I really appreciate all of the prayers and support! Thank you, all. =)
As I was writing this, my neurologist's office called and said they finally got the order for an ambulatory EEG and sent it off to the sleep center office who said they'll call in the next couple days to schedule an appointment! So....still more waiting but waiting with forward motion.
I really appreciate all of the prayers and support! Thank you, all. =)
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