Superbowl 50 and The Crying Tebow

    Well, yesterday was an interesting day (and I'm not just talking about the superbowl).  So my last episode was on Wednesday last week and, although I haven't had another one, I've been battling this weird migraine on and off for 4 days.  I seem to be getting them after episodes, especially after what I call "stand alone" episodes (an episode with non-episode days on either side of it).  It's usually on the right side of my head and is very pressure sensitive, makes my eyes really sensitive to light, etc.  It's pretty much always lurking in the days following a stand alone episode but if I laugh or bend over, the pain intensifies significantly.

    So after dealing with this migraine for four days, I finally felt well enough to go for a walk; just around the block, something light and easy.  I couldn't make it even a quarter of the way.  I didn't even realize what was happening; all of the sudden I was on the ground, in pain and in this awkward kneeling position.  I couldn't put any weight on my ankle so I just stayed there for a couple minutes crying, trying not to puke (it hurt so bad and pain of any kind hurts my feelings....I know it's ridiculous) and trying to figure out what had happened.  Apparently, I had walked off of the road, twisted my left ankle, tore open my right knee and landed looking like I was taking a knee...I call this move "The Crying Tebow" and it will soon be all the rave.  :)

    After taking a second to realize that I was not going to puke, that no, I was not dying and no, someone did not push me, I braved the pain of standing, called Netti (one of my sisters) and told her what had happened...she laughed, apologized, laughed some more and sent Jay (my brother) and Halee (my sister-in-law) to come get me.  They pulled up in Netti's car about a minute later, I limped over to it and got in and they drove me the 20 seconds home.  At home, Netti took care of my knee (because I'm a baby and a horrible patient when in pain) and got ice for my ankle, which had already swollen enough to make my shoe feel tight.  As the evening wore on, I realized that, in addition to my ankle and knee, I must have pulled some muscle in the fall because, man am I sore!  So the evening was spent watching the Broncos dominate the Panthers in superbowl 50 with nachos, ice, Advil and muscle rub, card games and bananagrams on the side.  I still feel a little loopy but the weird level is low enough to push through which is good because I'm turning in my nursing application today!!!

The long awaited EEG

    So far so good!  I'm feeling quite a bit better since the last episode although my nerves seem to have been on the fritz the past couple of days.  After waiting for the sleep clinic to contact me and hearing nothing, I finally started calling them...every hour.  I started leaving them messages about every 60 minutes until I finally got through to someone!  She looked up my referral and got me all scheduled for the ambulatory EEG my neurologist ordered about 5 weeks ago!  Yay!  Some less than great news is that it isn't until March 3rd, but at least it's happening.

    From the little I know about ambulatory EEGs, it sounds like I'll go in on the 3rd, get all hooked up and then go home.  I'll continue to go back in at the same time each day for two to four days.  Hopefully I have a big seizure during that time so the EEG can record the electricity in my brain and the doctors can tell me what the heck is going on.

    Thank you for all of the prayers and well wishes!  I have an amazing community around me physically, spiritually and emotionally and I greatly value that! =)

<3

And so it Continues

    Four weeks ago, I had my most recent neurologist appointment.  He looked at the recordings we had taken and agreed that it does look like I'm having seizures.  With that, the doctor said he would set up an ambulatory EEG with Salem Hospital.  So, more waiting...story of my life right now.

In the meantime, the last week has been great!  I've gone out of town for a few days, witnessed students hearts and minds being healed and challenged, started getting back into my exercise routine, haven't had any seizures and, best of all, gotten my relationship with God back on track.

    But after 8 days of no seizures, I had another one today.  My dad said this one wasn't any different except that I seem to be coming out of the after-fog faster.  Now that I've had these episodes so many times, I have recognized some patterns.

Before (I call this the "build up"):
    First of all, when I'm tired or if I have a ton of caffeine, I'm more likely to have one.  Then when I'm about to have one, my heart pounds, my eyes skip (think YouTube buffering in very short blips or a scratched DVD), lines or blobs of bright lights appear in my eyes (sometimes dependent on my other senses), lights around me are too bright or look funny, my limbs and jaw start clenching and I have to concentrate on relaxing them, nature suddenly calls, my face and/or tongue goes numb, my scalp tingles, and I usually feel pretty euphoric (I imagine it's like being high).  Sometimes I also feel like bugs are crawling on me or I think that I see them out of the corners of my eyes.  The build up can last anywhere from an hour to a few days.  It can come and go several times before I actually have one.

During:
    While it's happening, I seem to be able to hear my surroundings, my eyes close and my body vibrates and/or stiffens/contracts.  My family says I moan a little and have a hard time breathing.

After (I call this the "after fog"):
    When I come out of it, I am tired, hungry (craving pears and eggs for some reason), unable to talk, confused and sore.  It can take a while for the after fog to wear off but now that I know what to expect, it seems like I come out of the fog a little quicker.  Right when I come out of it, I usually feel apathetic....which is very rare for me.

    So this time was about "normal."  The after emotions were different though.  As I write this on the heels of choosing to say, "Great are You, Lord," despite the circumstances, I struggle to reconcile the confusion and frustration with that attitude.  Today's episode happened at staff meeting (which I was super excited to go to since I haven't been able to attend for a while) and, while it's a safe place to have one, I felt embarrassed (not that I was having one, but that it was disruptive), frustrated (that I was having one there, that I'm having them at all, that I'm so frustrated over something I can't control) and confused.

    I'm confused as to why I'm not better yet, why God's allowing me to go through this at all, why the process of getting diagnosed is taking so long.  Reflecting on this today, I think the confusion comes from my assumption that God's provision equals an immediate response....which I didn't realize was an assumption I had until today.  Although I'm not totally sure how to remedy this, I think the answer lies, in part, in waiting...one of my least favorite things ever.  So I guess my focus for now is practicing patience and not overdoing complicated things like exercise and staying awake.

    As I was writing this, my neurologist's office called and said they finally got the order for an ambulatory EEG and sent it off to the sleep center office who said they'll call in the next couple days to schedule an appointment!  So....still more waiting but waiting with forward motion.

    I really appreciate all of the prayers and support!  Thank you, all. =)

Great

I never expected these struggles.  I never thought I would deal with them this way if they ever, God forbid, should come.  In my very black and white mind, I assumed I would, of course, handle any tough situations with grace and poise.  Ha!  It's been a good weekend...in a rough couple of months. Many of you reading this already know about my odd and long list of symptoms, including seizures. I didn't realize how angry I'd been at God until this weekend.

The high school and middle school youth ministries at my church go to Generation Unleashed every year.  GU is a youth conference held in Portland, Oregon; we've been going since I was in high school.  I used to go for myself and since it so radically impacted my life, now I go for students.  But that doesn't mean God hasn't shown up and changed my life all over again every year.

I haven't been having quiet/devotional times the last couple months; in fact, I've all but shunned God entirely.  Prayer times are awkward and I don't really know what to pray for.  I'm hurt, confused and a little depressed.

Yesterday during worship though, God got a hold of my heart again.  I realized I had been letting the unknown control my relationship with Him instead of allowing my relationship with Him to control the unknown.  I realized I'd been going about this backwards.  I realized that, no matter my circumstances, the attitude of my heart needs to still be able to say, "Great are You, Lord."  Until all that I am is a pile of bones or a bag of ash, my heart will cry, my bones will sing that phrase.  Not because He's some higher, egotistical being, but because He is great.  He is worthy.  He is.

In wondering why these health problems have been happening (and why they have yet to be remedied), a thought entered my mind.

    Could it be that God isn't as concerned with my physical healing as He is with the state of my heart, of my spirit?

Huh. Maybe.

    Could it be that this time in my life isn't due to an angry, uncompassionate or negligent God, but is instead a circumstance through which He is choosing to strengthen me?

I mean, I guess.

    Could it be that, by choosing to let my circumstances guide my heart instead of Jesus, I began to worship those circumstances over my God?  

There it is.  Gross.  Why am I over here pouting in the corner instead of reaching out for the One who can not only heal my body, but my heart as well?  After all, circumstance didn't give me life, Jesus did.  How then, can I choose not to praise Him who puts the very breath into my lungs?!

One of my students prayed for healing over me last night.  I didn't feel any different but I haven't had an episode for 4 days now, which seems to be a good sign.  Even if I do have another episode, even if this never goes away, never gets solved and limits some of my physical life, I will choose to say, "Great are You, Lord."  And I will continue to shout His praise.

As I'm coming down from the spiritual high I usually get at GU, I am very clearly aware that this is a process.  Probably painful...my favorite.  Definitely worth it.

<3

Opinions, opinions...

Today, as I was reading in 1 Samuel, I stopped in chapter 14, verse 7 as I read this:

"'Do all that you have in mind,' his armor-bearer said, 'Go ahead; I am with you heart and soul.'"

The armor-bearer is responding to Jonathan, King Saul's son, after he said something to the effect of, "Come on, God's with us!  Let's you an I go get those bastards [read "Philistines"]!" (Paraphrased, in case you were wondering.)  I noticed that Jonathan didn't exactly ask his armor-bearer for a reply.  Also, the armor-bearer didn't have a lukewarm attitude about the proposal; his answer is one filled with passion and loyalty.

Now, I have some pretty strong opinions (shocking, I know) and I tend to see things as very "black and white."  "My way or the highway" used to be one of my favorite sayings and it took me a long time to realize I could like and even be friends with people who don't agree with every single thing I think.

Not only do I have strong opinions, but I share them freely (who wouldn't want to know what I'm thinking!). One of the things I hear God challenging me to do here is to wait for that opinion to be asked in some cases. No, not everyone wants to hear all of my opinions all the time (another shocker!).  I hear Him asking me to be willing to be sensitive to his Spirit and ask for discernment concerning what He wants me to share, who He wants me to share it with and when to do it.

Sometimes, He's gonna tell me to speak what's on my heart, other times, He's going to ask me to keep my mouth shut for the moment; not all my ideas/views/opinions are the right way to do things because they're just that - mine, not His; opinions, not truths (there, I said it!)  Sometimes, I'm going to need to just nod and say, "I know my role is to support you in this, so let's go for it! Animo!!! I'm with you all the way, no matter what!," despite my opinion.

Obviously, there will be many times in my life where I share my strong opinions because that's part of who I am, but God is calling me to be sensitive to the voice of His Spirit and to learn to discern when to speak my mind and when I need to listen and obey.

The Baggage

I was reading in first Samuel chapter 10 today; it's about when Saul is first becoming king of Israel and verses 20-22 go like this:

"When Samuel brought all the tribes of Israel near, the tribe of Benjamin was chosen.  Then he brought forward the tribe of Benjamin, clan by clan, and Matri's clan was chosen.  Finally Saul son of Kish was chosen.  But when they looked for him, he was nowhere to be found.  So they inquired further of the LORD, 'Has the man come here yet?'  And the LORD said, 'Yes, he has hidden himself among the baggage.'"

Samuel had met with Saul before hand and told him of all these signs to prove he really had been chosen as king.  All the signs came true.  Yet when it came time to present the people with their future king, he was nowhere to be found!  In fact, he was hiding.

Now, maybe he was hiding so he could process recent events, maybe he was an introvert and needed some alone time or maybe he was just plain scared...who knows?!  One thing is for certain, he felt more comfortable with his baggage (and likely a few stinky camels) than with the calling God placed on his life.

I totally get that!  When I'm tired, stressed, scared or unsure, I put on those old insecurities all over again; even though God has taken all my insecurities, shame, guilt and fear.  Hiding is easy; the challenge then, is to stop hanging out with the camels and start living up to what/who God has called me to be!

We don't do that here!

    So, I was going to post some stuff over the long weekend, but I didn't end up getting a chance to and I've now forgotten what I was going to post about....all with good reason, of course.

   The Friday before Memorial day, the bank branch I work at got robbed.  At gunpoint.  So, needless to say, I spent my weekend doing lots of processing.  It wasn't me that got robbed, thank God.  I did freak out when the security call came in; I had no idea we'd been robbed!  The robber was only in the branch for 45 to 60 seconds total.  The teller (or service specialist, as we're now called) that was robbed did exactly what she was supposed to do; give him whatever he asks for, only what he asks for and get him out of the branch with as little incident as possible.   She had just cashed a pretty large check for the customer before the robber, so had very little cash.  Definitely not enough to make it worth risking the consequences for armed robbery!

    We ended up staying closed for the rest of that day.  I left for a little while to go see my parents before we closed.  I was still in shock, but it was good to see them, to know there's an anchor of sorts.  No one was injured, thank God again!  However, it was at gunpoint and it was almost everyone's first robbery ever.  I've worked for the bank and at this specific branch for three years and we'd never been robbed.  Another employee has been there for five and it was her first as well.  We used to joke about how we used to be the branch to rob "back in the day" but the robbers must have forgotten where we were since we'd only ever heard of robberies, not been involved in them.  Those jokes aren't funny anymore.  Funny, how quickly your perspective can change.  When the teller told me, "Close your window, I've just been robbed," I laughed.  Mostly out of shock, I think; What?! No way! That doesn't happen here.


    After the decision was made to stay closed, we went out for drinks at the Half Penny.  I'd never been in a bar at 2:30 in the afternoon before; it's so depressing.  But that was how they wanted to process, so that's what we did.  Afterwards, a few of us went to the Silver Spur to go dancing.  I love, love, love dancing!  I ended up crashing at a co-worker's house (not because I was drunk, mind you) to be closer to everyone in case something happened that night (like someone broke down and needed more processing time or something).  Nothing happened, but better safe than sorry.

    Saturday, I did the bread run for church....lots of driving and alone time as I drove back and forth across town gave me the opportunity to process alone and just be quiet with my thoughts.  Sunday I experienced a more community aspect of processing as my church family processed with me.  It's amazing how far apart the secular and church processing mechanisms are!  I hadn't really realized it before.  Secular: let's go have some drinks to take the edge off.  Church: let's pray for/with you, thank God you're alright!

    Monday, we had the day off because of Memorial Day and some college age people from church went to the beach for our friend Leia's birthday.  We spent hours and hours there and it was actually nice out!  That evening, as I looked around the blazing (and I mean blazing) hot campfire, I thought about what an awesome group of people I have around me.  And what a great support system I have; family, friends, co-workers.  Nearly all of them are supportive and healthy people, willing to help me process whatever happens!  I was moved to tears (the smoke was conveniently blowing in my eyes) at the thought of how much I love all of these people, of how much they mean to me.  I was blown away at the fact that God cares enough about me to surround me with people I can lean on and walk beside in times of trouble; people who accept me for who I am, where I'm at and encourage me to grow more and more into the woman God wants me to be.

   In conclusion, I am blessed.  So extremely blessed!
    

30 Hour Famine

    I spent this last weekend with about 20 middle and high schoolers and several college-age leaders at a youth "lock-in" of sorts.  We participated in what is called the 30 Hour Famine, done by World Vision.  It's a fundraiser for starving children everywhere as well as a great awareness raiser, all specifically designed for youth.

    The way the fundraising side works is the kids go around and get sponsors, much like a jogathon; some donors might choose to give per hour the kid can go with out eating and others may choose to give a flat amount.  The idea is to get people to give about a dollar an hour, because World Vision can make about $30 stretch to feed a starving child for one month.  Hence, the 30 Hour Famine.

    The awareness part is accomplished with games that teach about a few different countries and their struggles, videos and clips of the hungry and the challenges they face.  Oh and did I mention we didn't eat for the entire time?  We all stopped eating at 12 noon on Friday and broke our fast with a meal of white rice, black beans and chicken at about 6pm on Saturday.  I hate white rice and I typically don't care for black beans, but this meal is one of the best I have ever had!

    The games all focused on teamwork and were all physically exerting in some way and they all related to different countries and their struggles.  One game involved protecting the crops (two socks filled with rice and secured to a designated person on each team with binder clips) and trying to steal other teams' crops.  Another focused on trying to get clean water from different sources and then carrying the bucket of water back and forth in a relay race.  One included popping balloons to put together a meal.  Another drew attention to the super preventable sickness of malaria, where teams had to find flashlight pieces and a mosquito net (blanket), put the flashlight together and, while wearing the blanket, shine the light on the malaria ridden mosquitoes (the team leaders) to expose them.

    All of the teams had handicaps for all of the games.  I, for example, along with another girl on my team had to wear a heavy backpack during all games to symbolize being weak from hunger.  Others had things like mute from trauma (tied a scarf around face), blind from fire (wore sunglasses with scotch tape over the lenses), one leg trapped under tree (had to tape one leg up), feverish from hunger (wore heavy coats, blankets or sleeping bags), hands burnt by acid or fire (taped sandwich bags over hands) and hearing loss from bombings (stuffed ears with cotton balls).  These handicaps and not eating definitely made the games more interesting!

    On Saturday morning, we got up and went to feed the homeless under the Center Street bridge.  Feeding the homeless while fasting was definitely a challenge!  But from not eating, to working as a team, to talking and mingling with the homeless, our kiddos did awesome!  I am so, so proud of all of them!  Yes, there were times when we got cranky and just wanted to go home and eat and sleep, but we pulled through it together and it was so cool to see the kids get perspective on the suffering going on in this world-especially at the hands of something so preventable as malaria or hunger!

    Also, it was a super cheap event to do...$100 was our budget and we spent about half of it on the one meal.  A super simple event to do!

Orientation =)

Introduction

Small Group Time!

Speaking Spanish with Miguel at the bridge

One of the games

One of the students with a taped up leg

This is an awesome game of sardines going on right here!

Gratefulness Walk

Worship and Communion before Dinner

Waiting...

Food! Finally!

Final Debrief

Exhaustion

   

Girls' Retreat

So, I, along with some other women took 12 middle and high school girls to Newport, Oregon for a girls' youth retreat two weekends ago.  The entire week before the retreat, I tried to prepare myself for what I knew would be an exhausting weekend--spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically.  After all, all of my experiences with youth girls...and, well girls in general, has been DRAMA.
 
On the car ride over, I have to confess, I was glad I didn't have to ride in the big van and that I only had to ride with four other people.  Selfish?  A little, yes.  I think I had a tad bit of a bad attitude going into the weekend...I mean, I was psyched about the potential the weekend had, but trying to prepare myself for reality.  We stopped at the beach and a few of the girls got soaking wet...at the Oregon coast, in February.  They're obviously immune to hypothermia.

I made gift bags for each girl (filled with stuff like: sleep masks, nail polish, candy hearts, compact mirrors with the words "Worthy of Love" written on the inside, tissues, etc.) and took them, along with some decorations to the house while the students and the rest of the leaders did a dorky photo scavenger hunt.  We had fun decorating the house (which was huge--5 bed, 3 bath, family room, dining room/living room and a second HUGE living room) and getting dinner started.

When the girls got to the house and got settled in, I expected to hear people squabbling over beds and such, but except for the minor competitive race for space that was bound to happen, there wasn't any drama over where to sleep.  We had our second session after dinner (we had our first before we left Salem) and it was great!  The whole day had been about self image.

The schedule called for us to be in bed, lights out by midnight...which I thought would be close to impossible, but the girls proved me wrong again and pretty much went to bed right on time!  The next morning, we got up, ate breakfast (pancakes and sausage made by the lovely Netti Miller-one of my sisters), and had another session.  This one was intense.  The leaders shared their testimonies in regards to purity and there wasn't a dry eye in the room.

Of course, weeping at the drop of a hat like I do, I cried...a lot.  After we shared, we spread out and let the girls come to us to talk and pray.  It was awesome.  The girls had to pick the leader they felt they could most relate with and physically walked over to them...in front of everyone else.  That takes courage.  The girls of our youth group are lionhearted.

After much crying, talking, crying, praying, crying and more crying, we ate lunch together and then the girls and most of the leaders headed for the beach.  My sisters and I (one came to cook, one is a youth student and the other is a youth leader with a kindred spirit) went grocery shopping because those girls ate allll the food.

We reconvened, had dinner and had our second session on purity.  When we split up for smallgroups, the one I was helping to lead dealt with some really, really hard issues.  However, one of the other leaders in the group pulled that girl aside and spoke love and affirmation and truth into and over her in a way I can only ever imagine being able to do.  A courageous act of love.

The girls made it to bed on time-ish again...and the other leader I was rooming with--that kindred spirit I was writing about--and I stayed up until 3am talking!  It was a late night/early morning but it was so worth it.  We had our morning session on relationships and then we packed up and headed out.  I rode with my sisters and one other student and while the other girls went on about finishing up the retreat, we headed to Portland.  At PDX, we met up with one of the students moms and left our extra passenger with her.  We headed back to Salem, making a pit stop in Canby for some Burgerville deliciousness.

By the time we got home, I was so ready to crash, even though I slept for part of the way in the car.  I realized that I was only physically drained, but that my emotional and mental capacities were a little tired, but nothing to complain about and I was spiritually overflowing!  These girls had little to know drama despite the late nights, crying, and some heavy things they're dealing with and I am so impressed with them!

I hope that we continue as we enter back into the "real world."

Rewards

    So I was reading my Bible on Friday and God spoke to me (as He usually does) and I kind of got a mini revelation and thought, "Oh, that was cool."  But then today at church, my pastor said some of the same stuff, so I thought I'd share.

    God frequently speaks to me; whether through reading my Bible, conversations I have with people, or just in a quiet moment, His words typically surround me...when I'm "in tune" with Him at least.  But I was reading Genesis 15 and Luke 6 and I realized that I am one of those people that Jesus talks about in Luke 6:46-47.  It goes like this: " 'Why do you call me, 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do what I say?  I will show you what he is like who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice.' " 


    God speaks to me all the time and I brush it off and then ask for more!  I think it's usually because I don't like or I'm not comfortable with what He has to say or it's just hard for me to believe.  In Genesis 15, God promises Abram that he will have a son....at his old age?  Who'da thunk?!  But in verse 6, it says: "Abram believed the Lord and He credited it to him as righteousness."

    So....it's an act of righteousness to believe what God says to me? Huh...I never thought of it like that.  Genesis 15:1 is my favorite though.  It says, "...'Do not be afraid, Abram.  I am your shield, your very great reward.' "

    Could it be possible that God, not the promise, is the reward?  When a promise doesn't come to pass right away, I get upset, even though He didn't have to offer me anything in the first place.  When He asks me to give something up so He might bless me with something better, I hang onto it tighter than Golum and the one ring; unwilling to make any small sacrifice for the greater gift He has for me.

     It seems like I'm always pursuing God so that He'll give me something (some might call this a transactional relationship), when I should be pursuing relationship with Him simply because He's the creator of the universe who allows me to even seek Him.  Why is it that I feel spending time with Him is so tedious when I should be thanking Him for the chance to do so?  My God and having a relationship with Him is the prize.

    Compared to walking with Jesus, everything else is poo.

Latest Craftiness

    So, I know it's been a bit...blame it on the craziness of Christmas.

    Mom, Natasha and I have been crafting these past few days!  My latest trial has been tile decopauge coasters, which have worked out very well so far.  They're very easy and inexpensive to make too!  I'm not sure if there's a market for them though...we'll see.  Man I need an etsy account!  Mom and Tash have been overloading me with craft ideas--good and bad, I guess.
    Back to work on Wednesday =/  I've really enjoyed this five-day weekend!  I'm not going to school this term; I need a bit of a break after something like seven consecutive terms!  So, hopefully, I'll be able to do more crafting and blogging in the next few months.
    Oh, also, I went pinterest crazy today...never happened before, but it was exhilarating!!!

Update

So, updates....
The prayer retreat was super refreshing...what came out of it is...well, more prayer.  Se la vi!  I understand the good intentions behind the prayer group that's coming out of this...but really? Do we need to set aside more time to pray for ourselves?  Be held accountable to following our dreams? I respect and understand the need for movement, and it's awesome that at least something is happening...but why so slowly?

Anyway...fast forward to this past Sunday, it was the first Sunday of the month and we had an evening service at church...first night.

We had worship (I got pulled into doing the media) and half way through, the media just totally breaks down.  So, I'm kinda bummed that I couldn't help the worship team out and get the words on screen...but we keep worshiping.  Then Bruce (the pastor) comes up and asks anyone who's in a place of waiting to come forward to get prayed for...I see one young woman that I absolutely love go up there and know she's the one God would have me pray for...this is for her:

The Waiting, The Suffering

You cry for your sister
You cry for your brother
You wait, you suffer

You cry for your father
You cry for your mother
You wait, you suffer

You cry out, you cry out
Who do you run to?
Who do you run to?

You cry for the injustice
You cry for the weakness
You wait, you suffer

You cry for the hunger
You cry for the need
You wait, you suffer

You cry out, you cry out
Who do you run to?
Who do you run to?

Who will be your rescue
from the waiting?
Who will come and save you
from the suffering?

He has already suffered
He has already endured
He has already loved you
He has already cured

He's there in the waiting
He's there in the pain
He's there in the suffering
And He's there in the shame

So throw off your burdens
His yoke is so light
The weight of your sorrow
is no longer your plight

He gives you grace for the waiting
And even joy in the pain
He won't leave you alone in suffering
And of you, He remains unashamed.

Sing praise my soul, sing praise.


So, after I prayed with her, Bruce called up the young men in the room...and the girls got to pray for them!  (almost never happens) It was AWESOME!  IT was so cool to see the young women come around these young men and support and encourage them!

Anyway...that's the update. =)

History Maker...What Have We Become?

    The past few weeks, something's been eating at me, nagging at the back of my mind.  About three weeks ago, a guy at church stood up and made an announcement about a prayer retreat that two 20 somethings I know are heading up:

Who we are: A group of twenty-somethings tired of living for ourselves.

 Fed up with complacency, restless, and ready to do more. 

We are dreamers. We are gifted. We have seen Gods faithfulness through those whove gone before us. 

We grew up with tales of Bible smuggling and the miraculous. Weve seen it firsthand. Weve done DTSs.

 Weve gone to Bible College. Weve grown up in church. Weve seen things go wonderfully right and terribly wrong.

 We believe in a God who uses not only our passion but also are intellect and creativity. 

We want fresh vision. We see the world changing around us. 

We want to pair our educations and crafts with the radical kinds of lives our patents led.

 We want a challenge. But heres the thing. We are waiting.

 We are well-educated, under-employed, talented, God-fearing men and women. And we are waiting. 

We are waiting for that awesome job opportunity or internship. 

We are waiting to be discovered. We are waiting for relationships.

 We are waiting for God to bring opportunities into our lives that give us that deep sense of purpose.

 We are praying for whats next. We arent sure where to go. Or what to do.

 We are waiting for a move of God. But are we listening...

What we are going to do about it: Live more intentionally. Pray instead of complain. 

Seek instead of wait. Encourage instead of judge. Network. Essentially, this is going to be like a prayer retreat. 

A time to get away and seek the Lord in an purposed manner. In a proactive way. 

We are adults. Gone are the days of church camps. Lets be the ones to initiate something.

 Lets stop waiting for a structure or a pastor to tell us what God wants us to do and ask Him ourselves.

 Lets dream together. Lets challenge each other. Lets encourage one another. Lets pray together.

    This sounded super cheesy to me at first, but it's been bothering me these past few weeks.

    At youth group tonight, we were singing Hosanna by Hillsong United.  It goes like this:

I see the King of glory

Coming on the clouds with fire

The whole earth shakes, the whole earth shakes

I see His love and mercy

Washing over all our sin

The people sing, the people sing

Hosanna, hosanna

Hosanna in the highest

I see a generation

Rising up to take their place

With selfless faith, with selfless faith

I see a near revival

Stirring as we pray and seek

We're on our knees, we're on our knees

Heal my heart and make it clean

Open up my eyes to the things unseen

Show me how to love like You have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks Yours

Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause

As I walk from earth into eternity

    So we're singing this song, and the part that's highlighted reminds me of another song.  It's called History Maker, by Delirious.

Is it true today that when people pray

Cloudless skies will break

Kings and queens will shake

Yes it's true and I believe it

I'm living for you

Is it true today that when people pray

We'll see dead men rise

And the blind set free

Yes it's true and I believe it

I'm living for you

I'm gonna be a history maker in this land

I'm gonna be a speaker of truth to all mankind

I'm gonna stand, I'm gonna run

Into your arms, into your arms again

Into your arms, into your arms again 

Well it's true today that when people stand

With the fire of God, and the truth in hand

We'll see miracles, we'll see angels sing

We'll see broken hearts making history

Yes it's true and I believe it

We're living for you

    I remember singing this in middle and high school and thinking, "Yeah!  I'm gonna be a history maker!  All of us are!"  But the truth is: all of "us" (meaning the people in youth group when I was a student) haven't turned out that way.  Some of them are off doing drugs, some have gotten pregnant, married and divorced, some of them don't have a clue about what they're called to do with their lives.  And have I really turned out to be a history maker myself?  Are we a generation who has risen up to take their place?  I can't honestly answer, "Yes" to either of those questions.  What happened?  Where did the passion go?  How did we get lost?  How did we get so caught up in other things that we have to call a retreat just to get back to what God wanted us to be doing in the first place?  Will this retreat even help to fix that and what is going to keep us from going back after it's all over?

    

SYATP-WSHS

    So my sister and I got up at the lovely hour of 6:30 A.M. and headed to West Salem High School for See You at the Pole.  I had forgotten how awkward it is.  I forgot how insecure we all were.  Standing around that flagpole, in awkward silence with the cold morning wind blowing straight through my lumberjack flannel and jeans, I couldn't help but look around at the faces in the circle.  It was surprisingly easy to read the thoughts on the kids' faces; one boy clearly thinking, "I hope she didn't think that prayer was dumb," as he smiles across the circle at her.  She smiling back thinking, "I hope my hair looks okay."  Another kid consumed with thoughts of the test they have next period, another with how cold they are in the short shorts and tank top they chose to wear; another student looking at every passerby who decides not to join the group and thinking about how they'll be treated later for taking a stand and still another checking their cell phone for the time thinking, "Surely the bell's gonna ring soon."

    PEOPLE!!!!

    We are so consumed with ourselves, our own insecurities, that we can't even pray in public!  Are we as parents, pastors, youth workers and mentors really doing that poor of a job in teaching our kids to pray?  I hope not, but in a world where Santa Clause reigns, how can we expect our kids to ask an omniscient being for anything more than what they want?

SYATP

In approximately 8 hours, teens will gather around their school flagpoles to pray for their schools.  I get the privilege and honor of going with my youngest sister who is a sophmore at West Salem High School this year.  My goal: to pray for them as they pray for others, as they pray for their school.  That they would be strong and courageous, that they would find who they are in God, not each other.  That they would love each other enough to speak the truth, no matter what the cost.  That they realize God's extravagant love for them.  That they take the time to fan into flame the passion that has been lit within them.  That young men rise up to protect and serve their generation.  That young women answer the call on their lives to nurture and care for their generation.  That they realize how little time they have here, and that they they realize it soon.

"We sell our dreams and our potential to escape through that buzz..."

Honestly Seeking Honesty posted this on her facebook.  I'm really not one for the rap genre, but have a listen.

In Recent News...

    Wow...that last post sounded a tad emo, huh?  Whoops.  After all of the drama of being "best friends" with someone and then having them angry with me when I didn't know it and then to mend the relationship somewhat only to have it fall apart again...well...it's just been emotionally exhausting.  We've made up...again...this sounds so much like middle school when I read this...not a place I really want to go back to...
    Anyway, I've been having an extremely hard time getting over this...which is really bothering me.  I mean, I forgave this friend already...it just...I think what really bothers me is that I'm a bit jaded.  I'm having a really difficult time trusting people; people who I should be able to trust.  I feel like it's taken so long for me to come out of my shell, for me to begin to show people who I really am and now I've regressed.  It sucks.  I've totally gone back to that old familiar corner of insecurity and it's driving me crazy.
    I don't know how long it's going to take for me to be able to open back up to people...I mean, this sounds a little weird, but I've actually never felt closer to any other human before...I mean, I'd never clicked with someone like that before and now the relationship is ... I don't even know what it is.
    Sorry!  This was supposed to be less emo!  Well, I guess the good news is that I have One who's always with me, who I can always trust and that I have been working on building some other relationships with people I feel I could probably trust sometime in the future.  And I'm learning how to guard my heart even better (although, I'm not sure if that one's entirely good).  I'm making progress, it's just not as fast as I would like.

My Sister, My Friend

I miss you, my sister, my friend
Where have you gone?
"Nowhere," you say?

I remember how we used to talk
About boys and romance
And weddings and God

Then he came along, stole you away
Why have you gone so far away?
"No one," you say?

I tried telling you to take it slow
You said that you would,
Then, that I didn't know

I couldn't keep my mouth shut,
Couldn't agree

After all, you asked me for honesty

I guess you only wanted Madame Honesty
When she agreed with Senor Hormone
And we both know they don't speak.

 Now we don't speak
I wish things were different
I wish you'd come home

I heard you're tying the knot
Heard I'm not supposed to know
Good luck to you and to beau

I remember when we talked about weddings,
Said we'd always be there
No matter how far, in foul weather or fair

Well you've gone far away and still live in town
I just can't believe how all this went down
I guess you're still lost, hope soon you'll decide to be found.

Lead Me

    About a month ago, I read a blog posted by my sister (Honestly Seeking Honesty) and it's actually stuck with me for a bit; I just can't seem to get it out of my head.  One of the things she said was something she'd actually stolen from our mom: "I ride my own white horse!"  That's totally true!  If you think you're going to stop me from going into battle, chances are, you're going to be sore in the morning.  Also, I don't need to be rescued...I've already been saved.
  
     I don't want a man who expects to be my savior, nor do I want him to worship the ground I walk on.  I don't want someone who just really wants his mama.  I want a partner. I want to spend my days with a man (not to be confused with the ever-popular but oh-so-disappointing man-boy), one who will fight with me when I can't win alone.  One who will stand up and be a protector when there's danger.  A man who follows God  and has the guts to stand up to me when I'm wrong, a strong man. 

 Then I heard this song for the first time in a while.

So, like I said, this has kind of been rolling around in my brain for a while.  My sister's conclusion was that, although she doesn't have her eye on anyone, she feels like she's ready to be in a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship. 

Mine is: I know what qualities I'm attracted to, but I'm not ready.  I don't think I have much to give at this point.  I would probably be more like a parasite than a partner right now.  Someday, I know I'll meet him.  But for right now, I guess I'll just have to keep waiting until God brings him into my life and makes me ready for the grand adventure.

    I love it when friendships are renewed.  I took my own advice from earlier in the week and a couple of my formerly faded friendships have regained some of the luster they once had.  Exciting!  And an answer to my prayers!  I'm amazed at how much a lack of communication can hinder a relationship; communication of how you feel, communication of what you like and don't like, etc.  If you don't tell people when they hurt you, and you get upset when they don't figure it out and apologize, can you really blame them?  The answer is no.  No, you can't blame them, because you're not playing fair.  Now, if they were to knowingly hurt you, and not do anything about it, that's a different story.

    So, for future reference, tell me when I do something that bothers you.  Tell me when I hurt you.  TELL ME!  That way, we don't have to spend months apart because you're worried about how I'll react to you telling me the truth.  The truth sets us free.  We can't be free if we can't speak truth to each other.