I never expected these struggles. I never thought I would deal with them this way if they ever, God forbid, should come. In my very black and white mind, I assumed I would, of course, handle any tough situations with grace and poise. Ha! It's been a good weekend...in a rough couple of months. Many of you reading this already know about my odd and long list of symptoms, including seizures. I didn't realize how angry I'd been at God until this weekend.
The high school and middle school youth ministries at my church go to Generation Unleashed every year. GU is a youth conference held in Portland, Oregon; we've been going since I was in high school. I used to go for myself and since it so radically impacted my life, now I go for students. But that doesn't mean God hasn't shown up and changed my life all over again every year.
I haven't been having quiet/devotional times the last couple months; in fact, I've all but shunned God entirely. Prayer times are awkward and I don't really know what to pray for. I'm hurt, confused and a little depressed.
Yesterday during worship though, God got a hold of my heart again. I realized I had been letting the unknown control my relationship with Him instead of allowing my relationship with Him to control the unknown. I realized I'd been going about this backwards. I realized that, no matter my circumstances, the attitude of my heart needs to still be able to say, "Great are You, Lord." Until all that I am is a pile of bones or a bag of ash, my heart will cry, my bones will sing that phrase. Not because He's some higher, egotistical being, but because He is great. He is worthy. He is.
In wondering why these health problems have been happening (and why they have yet to be remedied), a thought entered my mind.
Could it be that God isn't as concerned with my physical healing as He is with the state of my heart, of my spirit?
Huh. Maybe.
Could it be that this time in my life isn't due to an angry, uncompassionate or negligent God, but is instead a circumstance through which He is choosing to strengthen me?
I mean, I guess.
Could it be that, by choosing to let my circumstances guide my heart instead of Jesus, I began to worship those circumstances over my God?
There it is. Gross. Why am I over here pouting in the corner instead of reaching out for the One who can not only heal my body, but my heart as well? After all, circumstance didn't give me life, Jesus did. How then, can I choose not to praise Him who puts the very breath into my lungs?!
One of my students prayed for healing over me last night. I didn't feel any different but I haven't had an episode for 4 days now, which seems to be a good sign. Even if I do have another episode, even if this never goes away, never gets solved and limits some of my physical life, I will choose to say, "Great are You, Lord." And I will continue to shout His praise.
As I'm coming down from the spiritual high I usually get at GU, I am very clearly aware that this is a process. Probably painful...my favorite. Definitely worth it.
<3
